Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
