Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
