Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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