he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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