Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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