i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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