shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
