you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
