Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
