You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
