You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
