i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
