You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
