i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
