So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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