the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
