i think my mom watched the whole time
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
