I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
