fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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