Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
