Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
