I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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