he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
