my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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