babies were throwing up all over the place
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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