i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
