im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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