Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
