Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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