SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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