I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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