well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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