He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
