ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
