oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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