Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
