Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
