Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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