My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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