I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
