Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
