I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
