I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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