I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
