whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
