I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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