Just fell off a train. Bad.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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