he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
