You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
