somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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