So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
