I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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