i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
